Its all in the mind ....

I was reading an article on the BBC today on Negative experiences can stop painkillers working, and it got me thinking.  The article details how patients who were administered a very powerful painkiller reported their symptoms after being given various suggestions.

Basically the outcome was that, regardless of the fact that they were given a powerful and proven painkiller, if they were told that they were not receiving it they would feel more pain. 

The patients showed how their belief alone (as to the presence or absence of the drug) can directly influence the effectiveness of the drug.

Obviously with my experience my thoughts went to IVF drugs, and the potential impact on their effectiveness if the patient has a negative expectation. 

If this study is indeed true perhaps the IVF doctors and nurses need to think very carefully about what they say and how they discuss progress with their patients.

In my case one of my consultants was discussing a particular drug regime with me and my DH, and he told us how he didn't believe that it was a valid regime and that there was not enough research or proof that it would be effective.  As it happened this was final meeting I was having with this consultant as he was transferring me to a specialist in my particular issues.

When I met my new consultant, this regime was exactly what he suggested.  It was the regime he would try with me.  I have no evidence that the seed of doubt planted by my previous consultant had any bearing on my lack of response to this regime or not - but I can't help but wonder.

I am not going to mention the drugs involved because I don't want to be the source of doubt for anyone else. 

I really hope that IVF practitioners should take notice of this study and make sure to give positive messages to their patients.

February is a shit month

February really is a shit month, particularly this year.  Last week we had my husband's granddad's funeral, he was a wonderful, funny and really interesting man.  He will be really missed.

Then this morning we got news that a family friend had died overnight, again a wonderful, generous and such a funny man.  So we will have another funeral to attend this month, for another person who will be sorely missed.

And then to cap it all off, tomorrow is the anniversary of our son being born sleeping.

My capacity for sadness is being seriously tested.

I bloody hate February!

... So maybe we'll sell our house ....

I love our house, we've made it properly our home - we bought it to fill it with the three babies we were going to have (seems laughable now).

Perhaps this is our punishment for being so presumptuous - so you thought you could just pop out 3 lovely babies did you?  Well here's a good dose of death and infertility for you instead.

I've always resisted selling our house up to now, I am quite difficult to please in the house department (some would say in every department!).  I tend to see the problems with a property before anything else, where is the storage?  Do you call that a bedroom?  That isn't a "family" bathroom - you'd step in the toilet getting out of the bath etc etc etc

Besides all the problems I see on other houses, I like ours - I really like ours, its not perfect but its ours.

But recently I've come to be able to think about selling it without feeling panicked, maybe it comes with having to give up the dream of having children that other things that seemed important don't seem so any more. 

There is still a long way to go before we can sell it,

1. Our house has got to be worth the right price so we can afford to move
2. We need to find a house that we want (see above!!) and at a price we are willing to pay 
3. Can sell our house (in this market!!)?

We've never sold a house in a chain before, not a real chain anyway.  Maybe the panic will return before we get to that point.  I suppose we really should put our family home behind us and think about physically  moving on, maybe that will help me to emotionally move on too.

I know its wrong, but ....

One of my team at work has just told me she is pregnant again and I could just sit and cry. 

I know its wrong but I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that we will never have our own baby.  That I will never again feel a baby kick in side me, that we will never feel the joy of holding our newly born baby.

I will always feel a stab in the heart when I see a healthy growing bump or a new baby or the smiles on parents faces when they look at their children - because these are things we will never have or be able to experience.

I know its wrong that I feel so very very sad about this but I do - I've been struggling for weeks, getting more and down about our situation.  But I know I can't really talk to anyone, because as soon as I try to I just get so upset.  The fact that someone else can get pregnant and things are going well for them just makes me even more aware of my own failure. 

My husband gets so angry with me when I get upset about other people getting pregnant, I guess its difficult to understand that I am not angry with them I am angry with me - I am not upset with them, I am upset for us.

I just can't cope with other peoples good news when I am just so sad about where we are right now and the finality of our situation.

I know its wrong, but .....

Time to pull myself together

The time has come to seriously consider where we go from here, is the universe trying to tell us that we should not have children at all or just that I shouldn't have children at all.  (After all there is nothing wrong with DH, he could still have his own biological children, its just that the women he decided to marry can't do the carrying).

I started doing a little tentative research and had a look at the Oasis website, its a support group for overseas adoption.  I guess I think that we won't get a baby in the UK, they are considerably more interested in placing a child with ethnically similar adoptive parents than placing a child full stop.  We still need to go through the local council and have the checks done etc before we can move either on foreign or local adoption and strangely enough I've not plucked up the courage to actually call them yet.  I worry that we could get our hopes up again only for them to be dashed by bureaucracy.

I think that me and dh need to sit down and have a proper heart to heart and be totally honest, we've started the conversation a couple of times but we've really not finished it yet.  Its a subject that we both have deep feelings about, I just want to be sure that we are both feeling the same - or if we are not, where the common ground is.

We have already gone through so much, our entire married life has either been losing babies or killing ourselves trying to get pregnant.  Maybe we are meant to be just us, maybe we shouldn't keep on going along this path - or maybe we are meant to give a homeless child a home and a family.

CRAP - this is too hard!



Coping?

My way of coping with things is to keep busy, to throw myself into doing so much stuff that I can't think about the things I don't want to think about....  When I am in a situation I am finding difficult to deal with I get this really restless feeling, that I need to be doing something - After Noah died I took up painting, I was crap at it but it was something I could do to keep me occupied.  Since then I've taken up crochet, taught myself how to do it and started creating, then I tried hand spinning yarn and tatting - see a pattern?

If you read my other blog about crochet, you'll see I'm doing it again - I made a few things while I was in the dread 2 week wait, and I've just kept going since our negative result.  If I stop I get that horrible restless feeling again - I need to do something, what can I be doing?  I've got a few projects on the go, a shawl that I HAVE to finish tonight and a hat for DH - then I got a few new patterns & my mum has sent me a couple as well, and just in case I had a minute to feel restless I started trying to learn needle tatting too.  I guess that's my therapy - keep busy, keep the restless away.

Sometimes I find myself sitting at work, ready to scream & cry - but I have to stop, they don't know and they damn sure wouldn't understand ....

.... And then I found myself driving home the other day and I just cried the whole way, I couldn't keep the thoughts out - there wasn't anything to divert my attention, just me and the journey.  I guess it has to come out sometime, maybe that's part of coping?  or maybe I'm not?

I want to just scream and scream and scream

A week goes by since testing.  We've not discussed what to do next, I think both of us need some time to recover before "moving on".

I'm still feeling the effects of coming off all the drugs and everything else.  Very few people at work know what we've been through so I have to put on the brave face and carry on regardless.  All I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying but I have to plaster that smile on my face and get on with it.

A few of the guys at work have caught me at a bad moment and got both barrels of bad temper from me - I have absolutely no tolerance right now.  I just don't have the capacity to "be the good boss" when I'm feeling so awful. 

I'm managing to get on with things, and mostly to pretend that things are OK and not be a total shit all of the time.  But in reality I want to just scream and scream and scream.